Wednesday, May 12, 2010



{WE} SOLD OUR HOUSE!!! Hallelujah!! Thank you sweet baby Jesus!! I never thought I would see the day. It has been ridiculously crazy around these parts lately. We accepted an offer on our house 3 weeks ago and since then it has been non stop with inspections, appraisals and such. And apparently these people expect that you actually clean your house… I’ve been {kinda} working on that.

The girl that is buying our house (God love her) is supposedly very young and her agent just happens to be slightly neurotic. It has made for some interesting times. Our agent is a very good friend and just so happens to be one of the most hilarious people I know so she keeps it interesting. Let me fill you in….

The girl looked at the house 4 times and asked at least 749,328 questions before making an offer. Which is fine. I guess. She needed to know things like, are there going to be puddles of water in the yard, are there stairs to the attic (I replied no to this one, only access is if you buy a small trampoline and jump as high as you can) – okay all sarcasm aside I did find this question odd, an attic with no stair access??- she also needed to know how many more houses were going to be built in the neighborhood and the list goes on and on.

We get her offer written up by her amazingly ridiculous agent. You know what she wants to keep?? The refrigerator (that’s fine), the satellite and all receivers (ummm… thanks), and all hardward. HARDWARD. Not misspelled once but twice in 2 different places. Not sure what she means by “all hardward.” Moving on. We gave her 14 to order an inspection and she waited until the 14th day. No need to rush.

SO the poor girl gets her mom and a friend to come do a walk through of the house and write down things that needed to be repaired (apparently she didn’t want to spend the $300 on an actual licensed home inspector). We received our list. It was quite humorous. My agent called her agent and asked if they expected every item on the list to be completed. This is how I assume the convo went:

NA (neurotic agent): Hello?? Neurotic agent speaking!!

FA (fabulous agent): Hi. We just received your list. I was wondering if you expected the homeowners to complete every item on this list??

NA: Oh absolutely!! I mean they are a couple and this girl is single. They can do these things and she cannot. and so she carries on for 45 minutes.

FA: ………awkward silence…….okay….umm…thanks.

So the things on the list? You would expect things like, “Can you maybe fix the wall where you dog tried to eat his way outside?” or “The roof is caving in. Can you work on that?” You know things of that nature. Our list. Not so much.

1. There’s a wasp nest under the eave of the house. Please remove.

2. There are 3 spider sacs on the back patio. Please remove. This is gross.

3. Touch up paint around back door.

4. Tighten loose screw in bath tub drain stopper.

5. Clean the entire unit after you move.

Dead serious people. DEAD. SERIOUS.

So I think I shall write this lovely SINGLE gal a note and leave it for her to find.

Dear unfortunate single girl,

        My husband works nights, therefore it is if I too am single at times. I spent 12 hours cleaning up a house that I no longer own. My new house is a disaster. Can you come clean it?? The thing is right now I’m feeling single and I am just not capable. Also there is a bug outside. I’m going to need reinforcements to get that taken care of. If you could also stop and buy a screwdriver as we will not be available to come tighten any more loose screws.

Thanks so much,

The Bitch that used to live here.


Cherry Berry said...

Hahaha! Oh my gosh, that's hilarious! She sounds like a fresh out of college spoiled brat that has had mommy and daddy do every little thing for her all her life! Just from reading this, I kind of have an idea why she is still single!! Haha!

Southerland Living said...

What a LOONEY TUNE!! My hubby works night shift so I know whre you are coming from! I can't believe she was asking for all of that!

Susannah said...

Freaking hilarious! I cannot believe the demands of some people-I mean, I know she is single and doesn't want to be taken advantage of, but a spider sac-srsly-get a friggin spray bottle!

Anonymous said...

What's going to be funny/sad is when after a month of her being there the water heater goes out, the roof starts to leak, the A/C quits working, there is termits or something eating the house. You know the important stuff that the REAL people find. She was stupid to do that her self!! Maybe Momma and Daddy have money or something. But, I bet she will be thinking that $300 would have been worth it when she forks out her first $1000 on one thing that goes wrong.

Stacey C said...

So I randomly clicked on your name on Lincee's site (bored at work much?) because you posted under me and you made me laugh about throwing up over Turner and Hooch, and I'm glad I did... you are HILARIOUS and I might have to add you to my funny list of websites to stalk. I JUST started my blog, and I hope to one day to be internet stalked... not really.

SC, Fl.

d.a.r. said...

OMG what a pain in the ass. I can't wait until she discovers an electrical problem or something that she totally overlooked because she decided to focus on this bullshit instead of getting a real inspection, haha!