I have a confession…

It’s hard to admit things sometimes but since we all are friends I thought I would go ahead and confess.

Since we moved I’ve had this desire to purge (not my food, obviously. Please note the lack of gym bitching) and throw out all our shit. I mean why do we have so much stuff?!

When I come across something that I know we don’t need I go to throw it away. But then I start to think. And things get scary.

What if in 13 years I need this spatula and then I’m all like “Man I shouldn’t have thrown away that spatula 13 years ago!”

And I keep the damn spatula. Or shirt from 6th grade. Or my dog’s first toy that is now just a piece of cloth.

I’m a HOARDER (not to be confused with whore). Yes people it’s true. And it doesn’t help that the Hubs is an excessive hoarder as well. I mean he might wear that shirt from 8th grade that went along with his Ryan-Phillippe-frosted-tip-spiked-hairdo, but he won’t be wearing it around me!

If my house starts looking like this just call and get me some help!!

I’m Alive…Sorta

First off please say a prayer for Megan and Brent over at In this wonderful life as they try and cope with the loss of their beautiful baby boy, Cohen.

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Call off the search party! I’m alive. I survived moving. Barely. I’m still unpacking and going through all our shit belongings. As well as ALL my G’ma’s stuff that is still in the house. Fun times I tell ya. Sorry I’ve been so MIA but I’ve been super busy and ridiculously sick this past week. With all that said I decided to share with y’all a few things I’ve learned….

- It is never EVER okay to ask your husbands permission or opinion before making an important decision. Especially if vampires are involved. This is important so please make note and never ask your husband, wife, or domestic partner when vampires are involved.

- Moving is the devil and I suggest never moving.

- If you are brave enough to move I suggest using those handy little things they call boxes. It’s so not cool trying to move without them. Who knew??

- Procrastination is not your friend. Or mine. I think this is why I almost died. Waiting till the weekend you have to be out isn’t the best time to try and organize said move.

- If you are married, engaged, actively involved in a domestic partnership, etc. and you like your significant other, I suggest moving separately. Moving can really test your patience and cause you to bitch yell uncontrollably. This can result in hatred from your partner.

- If your spouse, etc. is cheap and you no longer “can afford” your crazy pills, please for the love of all things holy, buy some off the streets. They will be needed. Trust me.

- If you need a good laugh, take a break and watch the Bachelorette. Because if you’re like me the cable will already be hooked up and the tv was the first thing you moved. :)

If anyone is still here and reading my little bloggy blog thanks friend!! You’re the best! I promise to be back to normal {who am I kidding??} posting ASAP!

Lunch Break Adventure

 

I ventured to the HD on my lunch break today to pick up a few things we need for the {new} house. I drove Bert’s truck today for this very reason. I needed 6 sheets of wainscoting/bead board for a bedroom we are trying to finish up. The wainscoting comes in 8’x 4’ sheets, so in other words – really effin’ big. I was assured 3 times that they would fit in the back of Hubs truck. I gather all the other items I need and 2 very nice gentlemen help me load the truck.

I was assured 5 times that I could make it to my destination less than 5 miles from the HD. So I head out on my merry way driving about 7 mph. I’m trucking along when a truck full of redneck guys pulls up beside me and so kindly lets me know that I lost a piece. Just flippin’ fabulous! I decided to just screw it and try to make it home. I then lose another piece! WTF?!! Now I’m pissed. This shit was $20 for one piece. I now have $40 laying in the road. Cue dramatic melt down and desperate call to Daddy for help!

Richard (a.k.a Daddy) tells me to get it out of the road so no one runs over it. Good thinking! Sike. The shit’s 8 feet long and 4 feet wide. *Picture this* I’m in my cute little tri-colored summer dress, and thank-god, flats, running across 6 lanes of traffic dragging this god forsaken piece of wood out of the road. Do you think any rednecks gentlemen stopped to help the damsel in distress?? Well hell no! Luckily Richard pulled up and saved the day. We collected BOTH pieces and found a strap and tied them down. We drove 6 mph and made it home safely!

I snapped this picture with my blackberry on the way home!

Now if you know me in real life you will know that dramatic meltdown = crying and calling my mom/dad or both. I never call the Hubs because he is always asleep. This is also the reason I have to do everything alone!

And by the way, I did not get all the wainscoting I needed because the didn’t “feel like getting more down.” So I have to go back later and try this again.

I have another stressful story to share and I will work on it later! Happy Friday!!

FYI: the 6 lanes of traffic was by no means an interstate, just a high traffic road in town – 15th street for the locals – and my father wasn’t jeopardizing my life! It was still way dramatic and unnecessary!

Regrets Anyone?

Don’t you hate when people say they regret absolutely nothing. I mean really. Apparently they never had a one night stand with Rando McNasty-Skank. Or maybe they did and they really enjoyed it. But whatever. I’m not going to list {all} my regrets on here. Well at least not today.

My most recent regret: Asking my husband before making a decision. I should have known that Negative Nancy John Paul would not agree with me on adding HBO to our Direct TV. But being the good and faithful wife that I am I asked anyway.

Convo: (through text of course)

Beautiful, Amazing Wife (BAW): So Berty I think I’m gonna add HBO to our package so we can watch vampires have sex True Blood

Mean Ole’ Husband (MOH): No.

BAW: Please. Please please!!!! *sad face with tears*

MOH: Umm. No.

BAW: But I want it!!

MOH: You won’t even watch that channel. We are poor and applying for food stamps. So…no.

BAW: But I will watch it!! I will watch it everyday! And have sex with you!!! PLLEEAASSEE!!

MOH: You won’t have sex with me. No.

And that people is why you should never ask your husband’s opinion when making majorly important decisions involving vampires. I think I will add it anyway. I pay the bills and he will never know. (Unless he reads this blog!)

It Has Happened

I’m over the edge. Completely stressed to the max. Flippin’-the-eff-out. But do not fear. I actually find this quite humorous. It’s that week. At our house we kindly refer to it as “period week.” Original, I know. My husband calls it my free-excuse-to-be-a-total-bitch-and-try-to-make-it-medically-relevant. But whatev. You get it.

We just got back from Destin and my bestie’s beautiful wedding. I have exactly one week until I have to be completely moved out of our house and into Scary Lary’s haven. Also, I am attempting to come off my crazy pills because we are so ridiculously cheap that $60 is too much to pay for sanity. Needless to say I have been a hair on edge.

Example:

- We were packing for the beach and Bert was making fun of my every move as usual. Cue complete and total meltdown. I sat in the floor in my closet and screamed. Cried. Took deep breaths. Cried. Beat the sh*t out of my spouse. Grew up and continued packing. I only cried 3 more times that night. Yay!

- My father apparently thinks he’s super cute and therefore no longer needs to contribute to my move across the street. He’s wrong.

- My {lovely} family members came over to my grandmother’s house and got all the nice shit the things that meant the most to them and left all the shitty stuff other items for us to do away with. Right. That went over very well. I morphed into super mega bitch and let everyone know where we stood. Unfortunately I’m not very intimidating and no one did anything. The shit’s still there.

- I’m having a slight problem with the bitch that’s buying our house. She  needs to be added to your prayer list. Stat. It’s getting bad. She has informed my realtor that she isn’t satisfied with our A/C guys solution to her A/C guys “findings” with our air conditioner thing-a-ma-jig.

Look Bitch. I’m not paying any more $ on fixing this house. We bough the Money Pit. I’m out of money. I can’t even afford to buy sanity anymore. Can’t wait to meet you at closing. Please try and come up with more shit for me to spend money on. Please.

In other news. I have been trying to find home owners insurance for the {new} house that was built in 3, A.D. I think I need to borrow some $. WTF.

This post should serve as a warning for posts to come. In the mean time feel free to pray for the purchaser of our home and my sanity. As well as my husband. He needs your prayers the most. He has to live with me.

Love you guys!!

The Scary House

Here are the pictures I’ve been meaning to post for the last week!! Please keep in mind that the house is a work in progress and I am pitching fits daily asking nicely to get rid of all the scary lary elements of the house!

Let’s start with the hall leading to the pool room…

Okay maybe the hall doesn’t look that scary but trust me it is.

The pool room…

Scary lary isn’t it?!?!?

This is the door leading out of the pool to the Troll’s home…

Let’s take a closer look…

The Lock!!

The Troll’s home…

Sorry I couldn’t actually go OUT the door for fear of waking him!

The laundry room…{outside}…

Sorry it’s really dark…and creepy…but that’s the laundry room all the way on the other side!!

My ice cream parlor green laundry room!

There you have it! All the scary parts of the house. Apparently there’s a door outside the pool room that allows you to go UNDER the pool. WTF?? I wish no one had told me that. There’s no telling what lives under there!

Happy Friday!!!

FYI

Sorry I have been so MIA lately. I have never painted so much in my entire life. Remind me again why I thought this was such a good idea??

I just wanted to share a few tips I have learned this past week in an attempt to completely make over my G’mas 1959 home into a more modern and chic home.

• It is never okay to ask your husband’s opinion on paint tile flooring bedding anything.
• I have written Home Depot execs and asked them to hand out coupons for free marriage counseling with all paint samples.
• You should paint your house during your husband’s 7-on pattern rather than when he’s off for 7 days. straight.
• If you do so happen to get lucky and agree on a paint color give in and let your husband choose the color, run to the store and buy it right then. Paint the walls before anyone changes their mind. (I also put a warning sign on the door kindly letting others know that their opinion does not matter and to keep it to themselves. It was a long day.)
• Oil-based paint does not clean up. With anything. I’ve had paint on my face, legs, and arms for days.
• You should never wash out paint brushes filled with oil-based paint in your kitchen sink. See above.
• Oil-based paint is the devil.
• Always hire someone to paint your ceilings. Trust me on this one. It’s worth the money. Your sanity is very important for your life and marriage. We painted one ceiling. Luckily we survived and hired someone to do the rest of the house.
• If you pitch a big enough fit sometimes, just sometimes, you can get your way. (I got an estimate on screening in the porch leading to the scary lary laundry room!! No need to applaud…)  

Stay tuned for more tips. I took some pictures but I left my camera at home today. I will post pictures tonight! Happy Thursday!!