Bumpdate…Late of Course!

I cropped my face out because frankly, I looked like sh*t. It is no secret that I no longer care what I look like, but after seeing the way I look in this picture I vow to try harder. :)

I feel less pregnant and more bloated each day. The bloat is KILLING me. But hopefully I will have a “baby” bump soon.

I am so pasty and pale that I could pass for a Cullen. My body is screaming for a tan. I need to work on that while it’s still hot outside.

How far along? 13 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: 1.4lbs 

Maternity clothes? Still wearing the belly band with most pants. Shirts and dresses are fine.

Sleep: I wake up to pee between 3 and 5 every morning. And on that rare morning that I don’t have to pee, Dayne does. I think he is having sympathy symptoms.

Food cravings: My recent craving is tomatoes! I ate 2 cans of stewed tomatoes – gross I know – this weekend.

Gender: I can’t decide if the baby has a penis. Some days I think no, then I think yes. So for those of you that “just knew” I need to know how. Because as of right now, my baby is a hermaphrodite.

What I miss: Wine. I still miss wine. And now that it’s football season, I kinda miss beer too. Am I an alcoholic?  

What I am looking forward to: Umm…the baby being born. In like 70 months. 

Weekly Wisdom: If you don’t get your way it never hurts to cry. And these days I can cry at the drop of a hat. I think my husband is running out of sympathy, but he’s trying to hang in there.

 

I hope y’all had a great weekend, and I hope all your teams won….even Auburn and Tennessee. :)

2nd Doctor Visit

I had my second appointment this morning and everything went well. My mom went with me to hear the heartbeat and Bert had class so he couldn’t make it.

I weighed and for those of you who just knew I had gained weight, my husband and mother, you were right. I am up 1.4lbs. Congratulations! You suck. :)

We got to hear the heartbeat on the doppler and the heart rate was 155. Now, we need to discuss the location of this heartbeat.

Please note the location of the vagina in the picture above. The nurse couldn’t find the heartbeat so she kept going lower and lower until she was all up in my personal space, if you know what I mean. She might as well have violated me. She found the heartbeat and in my opinion the baby was ridiculously low, like growing inside my vagina. This could cause problems. I think.

So either my baby is growing inside my va-jay-jay, or it has acquired it’s own heartbeat. Lovely.

I showed up at my appointment with my list in hand! Now if you know me in real life then you know I’m a hypochondriac. If you don’t – this is me admitting it.

My mother was totally embarrassed when I whipped out the Blackberry and read the doctor my list of “ailments” as I like to call them. He laughed and I told him that I had to tell somebody because my husband wouldn’t let me call and tell him I was having a heart attack anymore. I know. He’s rude.

Let’s go over the list:

• chest pain
• left arm pain
• itching
• sore throat
• LLQ pain – left lower quadrant pain – I abbreviated on the list!
• palpitations

So apparently I’m pregnant! Who knew. And I’m going to live. And I won’t die of a heart attack. Please, you don’t have to worry, but thanks for the concern!

We can find out the sex of the baby at the end of October! Yay!

Also we have to decide if we want the Quad4/AFP test done. It’s a prescreen that tells you the odds of having a child with a birth defect. I need opinions. Did anyone do this?? I’m thinking it will cause unnecessary stress. Let me know what you think!

Happy Wednesday!

Who invented Words with Friends?!?!

I need to know so I can add them to my hit list. Seriously. I don’t have a fancy phone – I’m still loving my blackberry. However, the Hubs has some fancy computer phone that does everything but the dishes.

Unfortunately John Paul has this app on his phone. (actually it’s Word Feud, my bad)  If you aren’t familiar it’s like Scrabble. You play a word then your “friend” plays a word.

Conveniently, every time it’s your turn your phone will so kindly let you know. What I need to know is why the hell these people are up at 3am playing this game.

The next time I am awakened by “bing-bong” and a pleasant little message that says “It’s your turn!!” I’m going to take the phone and throw it in the toilet.

Now if that’s not bad enough, we cannot do anything together without breaks for John Paul to play his word. It causes me to say not nice things about the unknown person he’s playing against. And these games….they last for days. Days people. And when it’s over, do not fear, it prompts you to start a new game! Yay!

Maybe I’m just jealous because I don’t have an awesome phone. Or maybe I’m just pissed because I’m busy growing a human and he’s trying to come up with an awesome word to show his opponent who’s boss.

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Happy Tuesday! I’m off to the doctor in the morning and I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I whip out the mile long list of every reason why this pregnancy is going to kill me.

Stay tuned!

Bumpdate…a little late!

Yay for 12 weeks! (We should note that my bumpdate is actually on Saturday but considering I sleep all weekend it is obvious that I do not blog.)

I always feel like a loser when I take these pics. I feel like Ricky Bobby on Talladega Nights….I don’t know what to do with my hands! And I hate the side face fat roll that appears when I turn my head! Sad day. Moving on…

How far along? 12 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: No weight gain so far – even though my lovely husband and mother think I’ve gained – I’m sticking with the scales.

Maternity clothes? I’m wearing my belly band with most pants now. 

Sleep: For some reason I cannot sleep at night anymore. Naptime is awesome. I actually look forward to Bert going back to work so I can have the bed to myself at night. Is that ugly?

Food cravings: Sushi – it rocks my socks off and I can’t get enough of it!

Gender: No clue. Does this baby have a penis?? I can’t wait to find out!

What I miss: Wine. I really really miss wine. And it’s weird because I’m not a wino.

What I am looking forward to: Hearing the heartbeat on Wednesday!

Weekly Wisdom: Sleep when you can. Pee a lot so you don’t “accidently” pee on yourself. :)

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I need to go ahead and put this out there….just so y’all can remind me later in case I have memory loss or something.

I really don’t understand how people do this pregnancy deal more than once…on purpose. Maybe I will feel differently later but for now I’m convinced that I’m dying.

Chest pain, weird (how come I can’t spell this word correctly? Spell check fixes it every. single. time.) left arm pain, sore throat, extreme itching, inevitable death.

I hope everyone is having a great Monday.

Why is there always pee on the floor?

First off we need to update on John Paul’s lab partner. Yesterday was “the big day” and I had a blast torturing my husband about his choice. I mean in my {adult} opinion it is best to choose a smart partner that you can cheat off of rather than a hottie that you can cheat with. :)

This was our text convo:

Psycho Wife: Did you choose your partner? Is she hot?

Hubs: ……

PW: So send me a pic!

Hubs: WTF? No.

PW: What’s her name so I can stalk her on facebook.

Hubs: Will you please shut up?

PW: You’re rude !

Hubs: ignores me for the next 2 hours

He stopped by my office for the big reveal and his lab partner…..Neil. A dude. I’m still working on the last name so I can fb stalk him!

Anyway….back to peeing on the floor….and please note I am not the one peeing on the floor. I just happened to observe my husband as he went to pee when he woke up last night. Let me show you how he stands while he pees.

He doesn’t even look where he’s peeing. Now all they have to do is point and shoot. And in my opinion the toilet bowl is pretty large. I asked him nicely to please pay attention to where he’s peeing because it is absolutely disgusting to scrub pee off the floor. And this people is why I pray for a daughter. So she can keep me sane. Obviously my husband doesn’t need to potty train a boy!

Happy Thursday! It’s almost the weekend!

Who Needs a Lab Partner??

I obviously did not do a bumpdate this weekend because I am ridiculously lazy. But I will share the picture that the hubs took Friday morning – if, and ONLY if, you promise not to make fun of my insane posture. My mother makes fun of the way I stand. It’s like I arch my back or stick my chest/stomach out for  no apparent reason other than I’m a douche.

 

It also appears that my hair is in my face and LeRoy wanted a little face time on the blog so he snuck in the picture.

As far as any update, please note everything is the same. I’m still peeing on myself, craving sushi, not gaining weight, and wishing I knew if this baby has a penis.

I’ve also been having palpitations and freaking out and thoughts of dying in my sleep. Alone. Other than that I think I’m starting to feel better.

 

I met a girl (a friend of a friend, not some rando) who is 5 months preggo. I am as large as her. Let’s try to pretend like I don’t look 12 months pregnant. K thanks.

And for the blog title….John Paul is going back to school. Just what I need. Hot college girls distracting my hot non-college husband. He has to choose a lab partner tomorrow. He’s threatening to choose the “hot chick. The really bangin’ hot chick.” He’s an ass. I countered with the threat to accompany him to class – for some reason I think he doesn’t take me seriously. Probably because he knows I’m too lazy to look for a parking spot. He’s trying to stress me out and he thinks it’s hilarious that I will keep getting fatter and the hot chicks will keep getting hotter. He’s hilarious!

I hope y’all have a great week!

P.S. Vote for the gender of Baby D! Note: There is no pressure to vote girl. None at all. Just be sure that the hubs is wrong and I am right. He thinks he is incapable of raising a girl.

Randomness….

I’m so excited it’s Thursday! Only 1 more work day…yay!!

- Mags got to come home yesterday and she is feeling so much better! Thanks for all your sweet thoughts!

- I woke up at 2 this morning to pee – this is the first time this has happened – I hope this was a freak thing because I couldn’t go back to sleep and I need my sleep!

- I’m still {patiently} waiting for my “pregnancy glow.” I’m wondering when this is going to kick in and if it will appear as though I have a tan. I’m looking pretty pasty these days! And rather oily.

- The hair on my legs grows so insanely fast! It’s disgusting!

- My boobs are taking over my body. It’s unfortunate for me – my husband thinks it’s awesome. Why do your boobs have to get so big so soon??!!

- Bert (the hubs a.k.a. John Paul) decided we were going to be vegetarians which is fine with me – I’ve tried to make the switch several times but I suck at committing to things like lack of food and exercise – so I left work yesterday and picked up Wing Zone for supper – let’s blame it on the pregnancy brain! We ate it with slight guilt and vowed to NEVER break the rule again. Yeah right.

- I suck at taking pictures and my camera is never charged and I blog from work usually so my posts are boring and lack pictures – starting today I am going to take tons of pictures and post for your viewing pleasure!