What CRNA school has taught me…

There’s been a lot of learnin’ going on at the Denton household these past few months. While Bert’s been learning nerdy smarty-pants stuff, I’ve been learning hardcore life lessons. And let me tell y’all, it’s been rough. 

Let’s start with a cute little stereotype. Nerdy CRNA schools girls. While I see my husband approximately 10-12 hours a week, he spends a good 40 with his fellow classmates. Some of these classmates happen to be girls. This is what I expected the girls to look like…

And unfortunately for me, this is what they actually look like…

 

So yeah. There’s that.

Then there’s the unfortunate case of the poors. Since Berty spends all his time with hot nerdy girls there’s barely any time for him to work. That just leaves me, and, well we all know how that goes. I’m probably the least motivated gal around so we’re stuck being poor. Yay for making sacrifices for the fam! And just FYI, it’s hard to be poor and live on a budget when you’re always hungry and you love to eat out hate to cook.

All this studying the hubs is doing gives me a lot of alone time with TM. And in case you were wondering, I’d never survive as a single mom. I’m way too dramatic! I have a pity party at least 4 times a week. I just can’t deal with the overly dramatic, unable to obey, toddler stage. It’s going to put me in an early grave.

This is what I have to deal with folks…

And this is what we like to call hardcore discipline. Feel free to contact me for all you’re parenting advice. I’m what you would call a “pro.”

In other news, I’m having my tubes tied this week. Okay, not really but let’s face the facts – I’ve considered it.

So grad school is really testing my marriage. And my patience. And my nerves. And we have 21 months left. Will we survive? Or more selfishly – will I survive?! I’m sure I will. I just need to put my big girl panties on and head to the kitchen. And drag my toddler, kicking and screaming, with me.

That One Time…

…my hubs and his BFF cut down a tree. In my front yard. In a neighborhood. In the city. Not out in the country, away from civilization and neighbors.

It took 6 hours. It was a small cedar tree. I had to postpone my date with MK to Sam’s and we missed out on all the free food vendors so I actually had to cook dinner. I was pissed.

I should have known it was going to be rough when they had to leave to go find a bigger chainsaw. Here’s the crew.

My hubs on the left. MK’s hubs on the right. With the chainsaw. Please take note of the “rope” they tied to the tree to keep control once it was cut down. As one facebooker commented, “It’s okay. That kite string should be able to control that tree.”

Y’all this was probably the most stressful thing I’ve dealt with since pushing a baby out of my hoo-hah. True story. By the time they had the right chainsaw it was dark and raining. I tried to video but unfortunately you can’t see anything. You can only hear my ridiculously southern voice pleading for them not to destroy the neighbors house.

Clay cut the tree and John Paul was the official tree puller downer. Yeah so you can imagine how that went down. Not at all actually. The tree slid right off the trunk and stood straight up in the driveway. Beats all I’ve ever seen. My concern was no longer destroying the neighbors house but our tree crashing through the power lines and knocking out the power of the entire street. I mean we’re already pushing it with our neighbors. How would I explain this one??

Never fear! The guys came up with a brilliant plan. As I stand at the door trying to explain to MK, over the phone, the exact happenings, I see our lovely spouses getting in their respective vehicles and driving off. Where are they going??! Wait! They’re back. What’s going on now you ask? Oh they’re just tying the rope (that’s attached to the tree) to the trailer hitch on Clay’s truck. Yes, that’s right. They’ll just pull the tree down with a vehicle. This seems like a fabulous idea.

I’m happy to say that the tree fell over in the driveway, clear of all houses and power lines. Clay’s truck survived and so did my marriage.

Do not try this at home. Trust me! Next time I need a tree cut down I’ll consult the yellow pages.

Happy Birthday Baby Daddy!

and….Happy Anniversary to my Daddy and Trisha!

Bert is the big 2-7 today!! Woo Hoo!!! Let’s look at some pictures of the hotness that is my husband !

Yes my parents paid an ungodly amount of money for our amazing photographer. This is how my husband acts.

*pic courtesy of Scottie Jones Photography

 

*pic courtesy of IzzieRae Photography

*pic courtesy of Scottie Jones Photography

 

Happy Anniversary to Daddy and Trisha!!

*pic courtesy of Scottie Jones Photography

Love them!!!

It’s a sad, sad day…..

Things are not all rainbows and butterflies over here today. The penile stent removal was a failure. Well not so much a failure as “wasn’t even attempted.”

The stones are still there. The lithotripsy did basically nothing to help the situation. Bert was very pissed disappointed to leave with the stent still in his mister. We have a new doctor now and he’s scheduled for surgery on Monday. This time they will go in through his back, into the kidney, to remove the stones.

We have to spend the night at the hospital and to top it off he has to be there at 5:30. I’ll never survive this! Hopefully the problem will be alleviated this time and we can treat the cause of the stones after they are gone.

I’m pretty much over the whole kidney stone deal. It’s really starting to piss me off. Don’t these doctors know I’m pregnant and pissed off?! And it’s hard to yell at your husband when he has a stent in his penis.

Moving on…today would have been my Grandma’s 82nd birthday. We miss her like crazy! Happy Birthday G’ma!!

 

Hopefully this is the last post about penile stents. I was told it would be removed Monday while John Paul is under anesthesia. (thank God!) Frankly I’m tired of my posts being centered around penises.

Have and awesome weekend! Oh and Roll Tide!!! :)

Bad Mood Betty

It’s time for a bumpdate post but I really haven’t had time and I don’t have a super hot picture of my side-face-fat-roll to share. So a brief update on my status will have to do.

I’m still pretty much hating this whole pregnancy thing but I’m starting to adjust. And I try to find the positive in this amazing experience because I’m pretty convinced this is a one-time deal. :) My newest craving is pickled okra which is equally as disgusting as canned tomatoes. Oh and my boobs have officially taken over my body. That’s pretty much all that’s going on with that.

 

Moving on to the Hubs….

 

This is his post op picture and boy was he pissed. They were only able to do one stone because his stones are so dense and apparently they can only zap you with that machine so many times before you die – kidding. But really they could only do one and he had a reaction to the antibiotic they gave him so when he woke up and asked me 79 questions he was pissed at every answer I gave.

Once he was ready for discharge the nurse came in with his follow-up appointment to have his stint removed and drum roll……he has to keep it for 3 weeks. Bad mood Betty is so pissed because he has a wire hanging out of his mister.

I’m auctioning him off to the highest bidder. It’s pretty bad living with a pregnant b*tch but try living with the both of us! Hormonal crazy woman and the man with a stint in his penis. Who wants to come over for dinner??

Thursday’s Drama

Can I please just mention that I LOVE my bloggy friends?! When I get an email that someone commented on my blog I pee in my pants a little! I’ll find myself telling John Paul about my friend so and so and he’s all like….umm…who the hell is that?! And when I say, you know, she blogs! – He looks at me like I’m crazy. But whatever….I’m friends with him today so I won’t say anything ugly about him. :)

 

Moving on…..we had a very eventful day yesterday to say the least. John Paul is scheduled to have lithotripsy done Tuesday. The boy has ridiculous kidney stones and they’re too big to pass. The doc will go in and bust them up, place a stint in his manhood and send him home for me to deal with. :) I’m totally prepared for this because we did this last November.

Yesterday morning when he got off work he went for some blood work and headed home. I got a text at about 12 saying, “Come get me! I’m dying!”  or something along those lines. I headed home and we headed to the ED. For the duration of the car ride all I heard was random bursts of, “oh. oh. oh.” Dude was feeling some pain. Now I’m hoping he will be able to sympathize with me when I’m in labor but I’m pretty sure he thinks there’s nothing worse than his pain.

Luckily the hubs has worked with most of the nurses out there and one is a really close friend. When we got there we headed straight back – now I know this pisses people off but sometimes it pays to be a nurse when you need to head to the emergency room!

After a couple IV’s of pain meds he started feeling better. We waited to be discharged for 4 hours! WTH?! I was starving. And freaking because they had to move us to bring in a baby who wasn’t breathing. Now we weren’t at the main hospital in town so I was kinda worried about the baby. When they brought him in he was crying so I’m pretty sure he was breathing by then.

We finally got out and got home and I finally ate and all is better now. We just have to make it to Tuesday without another episode. The CT showed 2 stones -  9mm and 11mm – that explains the pain. Stay tuned for my cries of help on Tuesday! The hubs kinda freaks about the stint in his wee-wee!

Happy Friday Friends!!

Who invented Words with Friends?!?!

I need to know so I can add them to my hit list. Seriously. I don’t have a fancy phone – I’m still loving my blackberry. However, the Hubs has some fancy computer phone that does everything but the dishes.

Unfortunately John Paul has this app on his phone. (actually it’s Word Feud, my bad)  If you aren’t familiar it’s like Scrabble. You play a word then your “friend” plays a word.

Conveniently, every time it’s your turn your phone will so kindly let you know. What I need to know is why the hell these people are up at 3am playing this game.

The next time I am awakened by “bing-bong” and a pleasant little message that says “It’s your turn!!” I’m going to take the phone and throw it in the toilet.

Now if that’s not bad enough, we cannot do anything together without breaks for John Paul to play his word. It causes me to say not nice things about the unknown person he’s playing against. And these games….they last for days. Days people. And when it’s over, do not fear, it prompts you to start a new game! Yay!

Maybe I’m just jealous because I don’t have an awesome phone. Or maybe I’m just pissed because I’m busy growing a human and he’s trying to come up with an awesome word to show his opponent who’s boss.

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If you’re a new follower thanks for stopping by! Nothing makes me happier than making new bloggy friends! Leave me a comment so I can follow your blog too!

Happy Tuesday! I’m off to the doctor in the morning and I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I whip out the mile long list of every reason why this pregnancy is going to kill me.

Stay tuned!

Why is there always pee on the floor?

First off we need to update on John Paul’s lab partner. Yesterday was “the big day” and I had a blast torturing my husband about his choice. I mean in my {adult} opinion it is best to choose a smart partner that you can cheat off of rather than a hottie that you can cheat with. :)

This was our text convo:

Psycho Wife: Did you choose your partner? Is she hot?

Hubs: ……

PW: So send me a pic!

Hubs: WTF? No.

PW: What’s her name so I can stalk her on facebook.

Hubs: Will you please shut up?

PW: You’re rude !

Hubs: ignores me for the next 2 hours

He stopped by my office for the big reveal and his lab partner…..Neil. A dude. I’m still working on the last name so I can fb stalk him!

Anyway….back to peeing on the floor….and please note I am not the one peeing on the floor. I just happened to observe my husband as he went to pee when he woke up last night. Let me show you how he stands while he pees.

He doesn’t even look where he’s peeing. Now all they have to do is point and shoot. And in my opinion the toilet bowl is pretty large. I asked him nicely to please pay attention to where he’s peeing because it is absolutely disgusting to scrub pee off the floor. And this people is why I pray for a daughter. So she can keep me sane. Obviously my husband doesn’t need to potty train a boy!

Happy Thursday! It’s almost the weekend!

Who Needs a Lab Partner??

I obviously did not do a bumpdate this weekend because I am ridiculously lazy. But I will share the picture that the hubs took Friday morning – if, and ONLY if, you promise not to make fun of my insane posture. My mother makes fun of the way I stand. It’s like I arch my back or stick my chest/stomach out for  no apparent reason other than I’m a douche.

 

It also appears that my hair is in my face and LeRoy wanted a little face time on the blog so he snuck in the picture.

As far as any update, please note everything is the same. I’m still peeing on myself, craving sushi, not gaining weight, and wishing I knew if this baby has a penis.

I’ve also been having palpitations and freaking out and thoughts of dying in my sleep. Alone. Other than that I think I’m starting to feel better.

 

I met a girl (a friend of a friend, not some rando) who is 5 months preggo. I am as large as her. Let’s try to pretend like I don’t look 12 months pregnant. K thanks.

And for the blog title….John Paul is going back to school. Just what I need. Hot college girls distracting my hot non-college husband. He has to choose a lab partner tomorrow. He’s threatening to choose the “hot chick. The really bangin’ hot chick.” He’s an ass. I countered with the threat to accompany him to class – for some reason I think he doesn’t take me seriously. Probably because he knows I’m too lazy to look for a parking spot. He’s trying to stress me out and he thinks it’s hilarious that I will keep getting fatter and the hot chicks will keep getting hotter. He’s hilarious!

I hope y’all have a great week!

P.S. Vote for the gender of Baby D! Note: There is no pressure to vote girl. None at all. Just be sure that the hubs is wrong and I am right. He thinks he is incapable of raising a girl.